Confessions of a Blogger

          At last I have resigned to the fact that I will never make a good blogger! Nearly three years into blogging and the number of blogs much less than what I should have posted, I have realized this sad fact (sad for me, at least!). When it all started, I was thrilled at the prospect of writing according to my whims. My mind seemed to be bursting with ideas.

              Hopefully contemplating that I would blog at least once in a week or more if possible, I started working on my blog site with a very optimistic note. But after the initial few months passed, reality began to set in! Blogging was not made for slow writers like me! It is for people who react instantly on an event, a thought, a piece of news or even on a random comment made by someone they have met. The flood of thoughts, the inspiring moments should be captured instantly!

          After accepting and resigning to this reality, I decided to try and summarize the reasons why I consider myself a failure at blogging and also share my views with my scant readers!

          I am a lazy writer! Although ideas come in a flash, I fail to be as quick to proceed to my computer or at least scribble a few lines in my sketch diary. Incidents, events, a conversation and sometimes even a fleeting thought or memory, opens the floodway to my imagination and motivate me to write, but sadly more often than not, I fail to grasp those precious (and productive) moments. I usually plan to write later, when I will have more time, or when I will further recollect and organize these thoughts or collect the required info about a particular topic, but most of the times the urge to write slows down. The topic doesn’t seem to be as interesting or worthwhile writing about after the heat of the moment has passed. And this sluggish attitude of mine usually nips the inspiring moment in the bud!

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          A good blogger should be more committed to his/ her writings; just leaving aside anything he/she is doing and give in to the urge to write whenever that great moment strikes. It may mean jumping out of bed in the wee hours of the night or abandoning a pre planned activity. And I am sure, those who blog regularly, even daily, will understand what I mean because they must have done this umpteen times, as they keep their writings on the top of their priority list.

          My musings may lead my readers to the opinion that I am a lazy person. But believe me, this is not so! Though age and every passing year takes its toll on my health, I am physically quite active for my sixty plus years. My slow approach to my writings is also because basically I am a family person! Being a full time home maker since the years I was brimming with youth, by nature I am more a mother and a grandmother than a writer!

         Living in a joint family with three married sons, activities with my family take up most of my time. And my grandchildren are the greatest blessing I could have asked for in my life. Alhumdulillah for that! With the eldest being an A level student and the youngest recently crossed his first birthday; they are truly a source of sheer joy for me.

          Caring for the little ones and babysitting them when their mothers are busy in the more hectic house work are the activities which lap up a considerable amount of my time. But these activities are more satisfying for me than writing. And the weekly visits of my only daughter and her four children are something I look forward to every week and thoroughly enjoy.

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        A wail of a toddler who has hurt himself after a fall, or just crying for attention, the bedtime stories the school going kids want me to tell them before they sleep or a demand from a little one for a favorite snack (which he/she doesn’t dare to ask Mom) easily pulls me away from the computer even if I am in a mood to write! Often time spent with my grandchildren is more precious for me than writing something new. So, I am content to be a part time writer as for me (like most women in our part of the world) family always comes first!

         Another reason why I am not getting to blog regularly is my addiction to the internet. Although the initial love affair with Face Book has fizzled out with time and I am not very active and regular at Twitters, talking with my sisters who live abroad on Viber or Skype, or exchanging messages with friends and family on Whatsapp keeps me pre occupied for a good part of the day (which I could have utilized for my writings). 

     I may not make a good blogger, still I have no intention of giving up on my writings (I mean totally). Writing has become an integral part of my life, a source of satisfaction and a sense of accomplishment for me! Even if I do not post something regularly, the urge to write persists.  Hopefully my confession will ease the nagging frustration I feel at times. Because instead of beating about the bush and doling out lame excuses, the least favor I can do to myself and to the modest number of my readers and followers is to be honest and truthful in admitting my shortcomings!

BETWEEN THE LINES!

When out of the blue, a friend created a personal blog site for me, I felt thrilled! Ah! Finally I have got a place where I am free to write whatever and whenever I like! Finally I can share on my blog, my experiences, my joys and dreams, my pains, my fears and frustrations, my anger and disappointments! This was a place where I could boast about my achievements, a place I could consider my domain. No deadlines any more, no more frustration of rejected pieces! No more long and tiring waits for approved articles to be published! I could write on any topic I felt like writing about and just post it on my blog!

In the beginning I was flushed with ideas! My mind seemed to work overtime, not giving me respite even when I went to bed. But after the initial excitement abated, and I started to feel the toll of long working hours tapping at the keyboard of my computer in sleepless nights, the reality started to set in! I came to realize that I was mistaken in my excitement or to be more precise a bit carried away!

Over the months I have come to realize that freedom of speech comes with its own set of rules! I can definitely write whatever I want to, but this freedom also comes with a sense of responsibility. Although there is no one to censor my writings, there are definitely some considerations which eventually prove to become restrictions for my pen (read keyboard)!

Most of the times, small incidents spur our imagination and creativity. Writers are usually inspired by these incidents and feel the urge to catch those moments forever in their writings because emotions are often the major triggers which enable us to pen down something new. And interesting as well! Joys are easily shared but when it comes to an emotion which is negative, the problem arises!

Let me tell you how it goes. Being a newcomer to the world of blogging, my family, friends, acquaintances and people from my immediate circle make up the majority of my readers.  (With innumerable people taking to blogging and as I can not claim to fame yet, why would a stranger like to waste time on an unknown writer like me?) So, when I want to share something personal on my blog, pour my heart out in moments of anger, frustration, disappointment or anguish, what would be the reaction of the people who know me personally, becomes a sort of editor for my writings!

Often angry outbursts bring up issues ling settled, differences we had sorted out or else carefully brushed under the carpet (if we agree to disagree) pretending they simply did not exit. But tragically, when these issues resurface, they bring with them pain, frustration and a sense of deep anger! While going one of these phases, I want to get rid of the negative feelings through my writings, the channel which I have always found helpful. But strangely, my fingers do not tap the keyboard as fast as I would like them too. I feel restrained because I know deep down in my heart that expressing what I am feelings openly would only aggravate the situation.

While trying to relate a personal experience, I feel I am treading on wary grounds where every step is to be taken with utmost care! Because there are times, when someone who loves me dearly spurs these negative feelings by hurting me or making me angry. I know that he/she did not mean ill, nor was the harm intentional.   But if I am hurt I want to cry out and if I am disturbed I want to relieve myself! Writing for me is a way out, a way to express my feelings, bring out anything which is disturbing me or making me unhappy!

I feel restrained because I feel that being outspoken or blunt in expressing my emotions could hurt the feelings of people I care for! Or they may accuse me of washing my linen in public! Some issues are better left behind the curtain, some emotions are better off if they are not shared openly. This feeling causes the slowing down of my pen as I try to carefully sort out what I can and what I can not share with my readers!

I have finally learnt over the months that freedom of expression comes with its own norms. I may be free to write on my blog, but I must know where to draw a line between what I can and what I can not share with my readers!

So, often the only option I have left is to try to write between the lines! I firmly believe that the people who mean the world to me, who are close to my heart, who know me in and out and who care for me would easily read those unwritten words. It only needs a loving and sensitive heart to understand what should have been said but has remained unsaid!