Seep khaali humara muqaddar banei
Aur moti na jaane kahan kho gaye!
Jaagti ankhon se dekhaa tha jin ko kabhee
Wo saare sapne na jaane kahan kho gaye!
Mein wo tasweer hun rang jis mein nahin
Rang dhanak ke na jaane kahan kho gaye!
Itni be-kaif thee daastaan- hayyat
Sunne waale na jaane kahan kho gaye!
Pohonch jaayeinge eik din humein zoum tha
Ruste manzil ke na jaane kahan kho gaye!
THE AMMEE IN ME!
I started my journey as a writer at an age when usually people are at the peak of their respective careers. Although my first article was published in Dawn when I had already crossed 55, slowly and steadily I have worked hard to carve out a name for myself amongst the regular contributors to the Inpage magazines (The Review and Young World) of this reputed newspaper. With only scattered articles in a number of other newspapers and magazines, I cannot boast to be a top achiever, but as (by nature) I am not a very ambitious person, I am fairly content with what I have done.
The other day, while searching for something totally different, I accidentally stumbled on this definition on Wikipedia and it set the ball of thoughts rolling. Can I call myself a late bloomer? I wonder!
According to Wikipedia, “A late bloomer is a person whose talents or capabilities are not visible to others until later than usual. The term is used metaphorically to describe a child or adolescent who develops more slowly than others in their age group, but eventually catches up and in some cases overtakes their peers, or an adult whose talent or genius in a particular field only appears later in life than is normal – in some cases only in old age.”
People often ask me why I started writing so late in my life! With a smile I reply, “Things were destined to be this way”. The truth is that I myself have no answer to this question! Hailing from a rather conservative family and being a full time home maker and mother a major part of my life, I had never imagined even in my wildest dreams that I would write articles at any stage of my life and that my compiled books would be published by a very reputable publisher (thanks, Ferozsons!)
Yes, I was good at writing essays during my school and college life, often getting a grudging praise from our very strict English teacher at school. Sometimes I cannot help smiling when I remember how I dreaded her! Having a great proficiency on English language and excellence in Grammar, she was the best teacher one could wish to have. But her sarcastic remarks when I (or my peers) made mistakes drove me mad! But today I am thankful to her on the way she grilled in me the rules of Grammar, taught me how to expand my vocabulary and instilled in me the writing skills which I haven’t forgotten to this day (although decades have passed to that stage of my life.)
Sorry readers, I have meandered away from what I actually wanted to write today. Maybe one of the disadvantages of blogging is that you are less focused, even more so when you are maintaining a personal blog site. No editors, no words limit! You just allow your thoughts to flow as you keep on hitting your keyboard!
As I read the above mentioned definition of a late bloomer, an incident from my early childhood came to my mind. Ammi often used to relate it laughingly. I was hardly six when a visitor asked me fondly “Baby aap baree ho ke kya baneingee?” (Baby what do you want to be when you grow up?) Without looking up from the doll I was playing with, and without taking a moment to think, my instant reply was “Ammee” (a mother). I looked up in surprise when the visitor and my mother burst out in laughter. “Adults are so weird! Now what is the joke in my reply?” I am sure I must have thought to myself as I went back to my toys!
And Ammee I became at a rather young age! As fate had planned, or may be a passing angel had said Amen to my innocent childhood goals, I was married when I was in my late teens and became a mother just after I crossed my 21st birthday! For years, my life revolved round my four kids, who are dearer to me than anything else in the world.
I tried hard to be a good mother and shape the personalities of my children to the best of my abilities. Coaxing them, urging them and at times bullying them to bring out the best in them, the Ammee in me was vigilant and active throughout the years they were growing up! At times, I longed for some respite, for a few hours which I could devote to myself, but more often than not, my kids kept me busy round the clock! Maybe the mother in me, the perfectionist who wanted to settle for nothing but the best for her children, kept me on the go throughout that hectic but enjoyable part of my life. Every milestone that my children crossed was like a personal accomplishment for me and every compliment they received brought a rush of adrelin!
Years fly and time moves at a fast pace! As life moved on, the children grew up and settled down in their lives, I found myself free with long hours to spend according to my whims and moods. But strangely, instead of a sense of relief, I was surprised to find a feeling of loneliness silently descending upon my heart. I had no idea about what to do with this extra time I once longed for!
And this is when the breakthrough came! My daughter-in-law, who is more a friend for me than a Bahu suggested, “Ammi, why don’t you start writing?” I was surprised and a bit flattered too! Writing for magazines was something I had never contemplated I could do. Although I wrote poetry on and off and maintained my memoirs in which I shared my life’s moments of joy, excitement, anguish and despair, this suggestion was something totally new for me. A field which I had never explored or even thought I would at some stage of life!
But her suggestion excited me. Why not? I thought to myself, I have nothing to lose except the disappointment of rejection. I started sending in articles to various publications and to my delight (and surprise too), my submissions started to appear at fair intervals in the magazines of a leading daily Dawn.
Maintain a blogsite was the next step which I found more fulfilling. This is my domain, a place where I can struggle to improve, experiment, create! Just as in the by-gone years I worked hard to bring out the best in my children, I coax, prod, push and sometimes bully myself to do something positive, I write and re-write, try my best to keep on improving what I have initially written. I want to express my ideas and inspirations in the best possible manner.
Over the years I have been working as a writer, the Ammee in me is never completely satisfied or fulfilled! Creating something new gives me a strange sense of joy mixed with pangs of pain. I do not want to confuse my readers, but I think only a mother or a true writer can understand what I mean!
Just like the tough task of raising children to be good and positive adults, and the satisfaction which followed after I found myself fairly successful, writing is not something easy for me! I sometimes feel I have to pour out my heart’s blood to create something worth reading. Every new experience of writing brings a sense of accomplishment and fulfillment, but it also leaves me spent out, exhausted and a bit dazed after the endeavor.
As a mother, I remember never being satisfied with my children’s performance, always wanting and expecting them to do better. In the same manner I am never content after writing something. Always a bit shaky, I read and re read what I have written, making changes here and there to make a piece more powerful. Bekaar hi hai! (It’s worthless) I tell myself after posting a piece. But I must admit feeling a rush of Adrelin when likes and comments on my writings start coming in!
The urge to write something new, to create, to improve keeps me on the go! The strong and inborn maternal instincts in me have helped a lot as a mother and a writer too! The Ammee in me lives on! Alhumdulillah!
سیپ خالی ہمارا مقدر بنے
اور موتی نہ جانے کہاں کھو گئے
جاگتی آنکھوں سے دیکھا تھا جن کو کبھی
وہ سارے سپنے نہ جانے کہاں کھو گئے
میں وہ تصویر ہوں رنگ جس میں نہیں
رنگ دھنک کے نہ جانے کہاں کھو گئے
اتنی بے کیف تھی داستان۔حیات
سننے والے نہ جانے کہاں کھو گئے
پہنچ جائینگے اک دن ہمیں زعم تھا
رستے منزل کے نہ جانے کہاں کھو گئے
Her touch soothes! Her voice consoles and her soothing murmurs drive away all fears. For her children, her loving arms are the safest place in the world! Research has proved that a child recognises the voice of his mother even before he is born. Her loving face is usually his first memory and deeply etched in his mind. 
She is the most selfless creatures on earth. On duty 24 hours of the day, seven days a week and round the year, and she actually enjoys her job! And for this tough job, the only pay she gets or expects is a sticky kiss from her toddler, a big hug from her school-going kid, or a grudging grunt of appreciation from her teenager! Or a rare “You look tired! I guess you need to rest,” from her husband. And strangely, most of the time she is happy and content with just this pay!
Without demanding or expecting a break, a mother cooks, cleans, looks after the requirements of the kids, often drops and picks them from school or tuitions. A caretaker, nurse and teacher, she keeps on switching roles until she feels like dropping dead at the end of the day. But the next day brings the same chores which she is ready to do again with the same amount of enthusiasm and zest. After snatching a few hours of sleep, she is ready to repeat her busy schedule.
And her life is tougher if she is a working mom. Racing against time, she has to juggle between her job, her home and her kids. And she has the additional worry and responsibility to make sure that her kids are in safe and reliable hands when she is away.
Spending time on herself is usually the last option for a mother. Whatever she wants or needs to do, her priority is always her children. She may be planning to visit a friend, go out for shopping or have an appointment with her beautician, but the minute her child comes up with his lesson diary, declaring he needs her help, or she find a child is not feeling too well, without a second thought she changes her mind. All the activities she was planning earlier suddenly become unimportant for her as she lovingly turns all her attention to the child’s requirement.
It may sound strange, but my experience has taught me that the feelings children have for their mothers change with every stage of childhood. They tend to find her absolutely adorable and fascinating when they are toddlers, nursery going kids may find her a bit strict and rebel from her rules occasionally. The pre-adolescent and teenagers are the trickiest stages of life of her kids that a mother has to tackle. Their moods swing and so do their feelings for their mum. Loving her one moment and defying her the next. Arguing on each and every possible matter, they nearly drive her out of her mind!
These youngsters may proudly introduce her to their friends, but all of a sudden she does or says something which they find embarrassing. This is the toughest phase a mother goes through as she finds herself walking on thin ice, one wrong move and her children feel annoyed or displeased with her! But as they cross the vulnerable teenage, their emotions for their mum become more stable and they overgrow the volatile behaviour which is perhaps a part of growing up.
There are issues on which mothers disagree with their children. She has her own way of protecting her kids from harm. She can be as soft as silk and as tough as steel where the welfare or safety of her children is at stake. In rebellious moments, they may call her tough, strict and not understanding their point of view. But it takes years, and sometimes decades, for them to realise that she was right! This is because the rules she wants her children to follow strictly are for their own good. Children may feel that their moms are sometimes harsh on them, but this is only to teach them lessons they will find helpful in their future lives.
There are days when the long working hours and lack of sleep get on her nerves. She may be irritable and moody. But these moments pass quickly and they are the main test of our love and respect for our mother. Instead of talking back to her or replying in a rude manner, we should try to understand her feelings and try our best to soothe her temper.
An anonymous quote so beautifully says, “At the end of the day I love my mom regardless of how much we argue, or whatever we go through, because I know she’ll always be there for me.”
It is an undeniable fact that mothers love their children more than anything in this world. We can never fathom or understand the depth or intensity of her love for us. Friends, our mother is our most valuable asset, to be cherished and loved each and every day of our lives.
Instead of waiting to show your love for her once in a year on Mother’s Day, you should realise that she deserves much more! Help her out wherever you can so that she feels relieved and can rest for a while. Give her a small gift now and then, even if it is only a bunch of flowers picked from your garden, a chocolate or a small pack of her favourite cookies.
Once in a while, surprise her by serving her breakfast on her bed, or helping her in the kitchen. If you are not allowed to use the stove, just serve her a glass of milk, cereals or fruits neatly arranged in a plate. You can also add a ‘I love you’ note on the tray. Believe me, it will make your mother’s day and give a great boost to her spirits.
As life moves on, we often move away from our mothers, but their heart is tied to ours in such a way that it doesn’t stop loving and caring for us any less. The unconditional love she showered on us when we were too weak and vulnerable to take care of our needs, demands that we try to reciprocate in the best possible manner. It is impossible to pay back a mother’s love but we can try to keep her happy and content when she grows old and needs our care just as we needed hers.
In the end I would like to add this wonderful quote from Sunita Sharma “The palm on your fevered brow, the soft kisses when you need them most, the grip that steadies you on rocky roads, the hand that feeds and nurtures you, the shadow that walks besides you unconditional and enduring, is a mother’s love !”
The van driver was blowing his horn repeatedly as Rehan frantically searched for his science journal! Only last night he had finished his assignment and kept the journal … if only he could remember where!
Giving his room one last searching look, he picked up his bag and ran to catch the school van. Disappointment was written large on his face as he stared glumly out of the window.
“Why don’t I find my things on time?” he wondered to himself. He had worked so hard on the journal, neatly drawing and labelling diagrams till late into the night. But instead of getting the praise he was expecting from his science teacher, he was reprimanded by her for not submitting his homework on time!
We often see that some of our friends always appear relaxed, are always punctual, whether it is attending an event or submitting an assignment at school. They are not jittery or nervous during examinations and seem to enjoy life better than us. This is because they are better organised than us and follow some rules which lead to a more successful and meaningful life. If we want to lead a well organised life, some habits have to be cultivated consciously.
Often when we are in a hurry or in a lazy mood, we keep our things in the wrong place and then waste a lot of precious time and energy searching for them. Usually it becomes a habit for which we have to pay a price.
To lead an organised life, we should make sure to keep things back in their proper place. Instead of keeping his journal in his bag after he had completed his assignment, Rehan left it on the carpet. And when he changed for the night, it got buried beneath his clothes because he did not put them in the laundry bin (which Mummy told him repeatedly to do!). Had he not been so careless, he would not have to face embarrassment at school.
Clearing clutter usually makes life more organised, because the fewer things we will have, the easier it would be to manage them!
Often we are reluctant to give away stuff we have a vague feeling we shall use sometimes in the future. This results in utilising more space for things (clothes, stationary, books, shoes, toiletries or any such thing of our personal use) and wasting time on managing them.
The rule of the thumb is to ask ourselves, “Will I need it this week, this month or this year?” If the answer is “No” to all the options, we should just give the thing away, especially if it is not too expensive to replace. If you have not used something in six months, you may or may not need it again, and if you have not needed something for as long as two years, you are definitely not going to needed it. So, why keep it?
Often after keeping something for years, when we try to use it, more often than not, it is outdated or no more in a working condition.
“The bottom line is, if you do not use it or need it, it’s clutter and it needs to go,” Charisse Ward
Often when we are trying to do more than one thing at a time, we cannot concentrate on our work properly, resulting in a downslide in our performance. A well-organised person does one task at a time according to his/her priority. We should be clear about what has to be done and what is just a pastime.
For example, while doing our homework, if we keep our cell phone within our reach and keep on replying to friends’ forwarded messages, our quality of work will suffer.
Planning ahead is an important trait of an organised personality. But we should be realistic in our plans. There are times when we plan to do a lot but in the end, we find a big part of what we had aimed to do undone.
Are we being over enthusiastic and planning to do more than what is possible, or we are not utilising our time properly? This is a question which only we can answer.
Practically, planning our daily, weekly and even monthly goals and trying our best to achieve them will make life more organised and tasks more manageable for us. We should make it a habit to assess ourselves regularly to find out whether we are carrying out our plans effectively.
Another key to lead a well-organised life is to manage your time in the most fruitful manner. To make the best use of your time, decide on what is the most important thing you need to do right away. Leaving your homework or preparation for a test unfinished, just to watch your favourite TV show or to chat with a friend, is not a sign of an organised personality.
Schedule your time each day to work on your top priorities and then stick to your plans. Often we are at a loss because we find ourselves unable to finish our day to day tasks. This is often because giving in to temptation usually results in wasted hours which we regret later on.
The famous columnist Harvey MacKay said, “Time is free, but it’s priceless. You can’t own it, but you can use it. You can’t keep it, but you can spend it. Once you’ve lost it you can never get it back.”
Well-organised people are usually successful in life. Remember that the door to a successful future often opens with a combination lock. We can open it only when we use the perfect combination of planning, hard work, discipline, proper usage of time, sincerity, dedication and yes, Divine Help and a bit of good luck too!
An old (and close) friend Nusrat Awan, from my Dhaka college days messaged me early in the morning wishing me A Happy Bengali New Year... or Shubho Naubo Borsho! Her message opened the gates to a flood of memories and I found myself taken back way back into the past, to the days I studied in Viqarun Nissa Noon School back in the 1960s!
Jo Labb pe hansee hai sab hi dekhte hain
Jo dil pe guzarti hai koi na jaane
Hujum mere gird doston ka hai phir bhee
Mein Tanha hun kitni ye koi na jaane
Tanhai mein aksar hum rote hain kitna
Jab mehfil mein bethein ye koi na jaane
Ye bechein din aur ye bekhwab raatein
Huin kyun muqaddar ye koi na jaane
Thapak ke sulana har nayi aarzu ko
Hai dushwaar kitna ye koi na jaane
Kabhee ye bhee phoolon se zyaada tha naazuk
Hua dil kyun pathar ye koi na jaane!!
Jo Labb pe hansee hai sab hi dekhte hain
Jo dil pe guzarti hai koi na jaane
Hujum mere gird doston ka hai phir bhee
Mein Tanha hun kitni ye koi na jaane
Tanhai mein aksar hum rote hain kitna
Jab mehfil mein bethein ye koi na jaane
Ye bechein din aur ye bekhwab raatein
Huin kyun muqaddar ye koi na jaane
Thapak ke sulana har nayi aarzu ko
Hai dushwaar kitna ye koi na jaane
Kabhee ye bhee phoolon se zyaada tha naazuk
Hua dil kyun pathar ye koi na jaane!!
(This article was published in the Young World, Dawn Inpage Magazine for children, but somehow I feel that grownups like me need this lesson more than children do. Making an argument an ego matter, we are often rude and try to belittle people who do not agree with us!)
According to George Bernard Shaw “The moment we want to believe something, we suddenly see all the arguments for it, and become blind to the arguments against it”.
Arshad and Hammad are not on speaking terms for the last two weeks. Reason? They had entered into an argument on which player in the Pakistani Cricket team was responsible for the defeat in the semi- final of ICC World Cup. Each one was defending his favourite player and slinging allegations on the other’s favourite. Although they were close friends, the argument finally became an ego matter and resulted in a quarrel.
An argument can be defined as a difference of opinion among two persons (or groups), when each one tries his best to prove that his views are right and those of his opponent’s are wrong. Too often we see a healthy argument change into a heated debate, or worse still into an ugly fight. We can get into an argument on petty issues with friends, siblings, parents and sometimes even with complete strangers.
Although we do not like to lose once we have entered into an argument, we should realize and understand that every individual has a different opinion depending upon his/her age, education, social and moral values and family and religious background. The ultimate goal of an argument should never be a contest to see who is the winner , it should be a means to let other see your point of view and trying to make them agree with you (or convince you if you are wrong). To make an argument a means for improved knowledge and a door to better communication there are some rules which should be followed strictly.
Questions like ‘Why?’ ‘How’ and ‘When’ not only make an argument informative, they may also correct some myths and wrong believes of your opponent. But before making any statement, be dead sure that you know your facts properly. Making a claim that is false would make your case weak and you will end up losing even though most of your views were correct.
Talk politely but firmly. To convince others during an argument and make them share your view, stress your points with full conviction. You should show that you are confident about what you are talking about. Keep your mind and voice under control and talk with dignity. Raising your voice over your opponents, insulting him, becoming aggressive and/or flying into a rage, only proves that you have a weak stand and are running out of rationale facts. A calm attitude and a normal voice level will go a far way to strengthen your argument.
While discussing controversial issues it is better to let your opponent speak first. Listen carefully and let him state his views clearly. Never interrupt him before he is finished. In this way you will have a better understanding of the other person’s views and why his opinion differs from yours. When your turn comes to speak, you will be able to express yourself in a more convincing manner and have a better chance to get your point through.
Never under estimate your opponent. Don’t think he/she is silly, obstinate or not as intelligent (or educated) as you are. Many arguments are won by showing respect to the views of the person with whom you have a difference of opinion. Never make it into an ego matter. The ultimate aim of an argument should never be belittling the person you have a difference of opinion with; it should always be a step towards better perception of a controversial issue. You must realize that it is not necessary that you are always the one who is right, so keep your mind open during an argument.
Never, I repeat NEVER argue just for the sake of an argument. Some people just love to disagree with the people around them. They have the unpleasant habit of entering into arguments on every topic and with everyone they come across. They will differ with you in all matters and trap you into joining them in the controversy. But beware of these people! Don’t accept every invitation to enter into a discussion. First, search your mind to find out if you have any idea about the topic of disagreement; whether you can talk about it or not. At times it is better to keep quiet and listen, instead of uttering something foolish which you will regret later. An anonymous saying says, “People who know the least always argue the most”. Avoid being one of those people.
The ultimate goal of an argument should never be a proof of who is cleverer or has better knowledge. It should not be considered as a contest in which winning is very important. Realizing the fact that each one of us has a right to his/her own opinion, we should let it be a means of communicating which each other and sharing our views and thoughts. Always remember that people are more important than views. You may lose a good friend by being obstinate or unrealistic. After an argument, even if you have won it, you may be the real loser if in the end you find that you have lost a close friend!
جو لب پہ ہنسی ہے سب ہی دیکھتے ہیں
جو دل پہ گزرتی ہے کوئی نہ جانے
ہجوم مرے گرد دوستوں کا ہے پھر بھی
میں تنہا ہوں کتنی یہ کوئی نہ جانے
تنہائی میں اکثر ہم روتے ہیں کتنا
جب محفل میں بیٹھیں یہ کوئی نہ جانے
یہ بیچین دن اور یہ بے خواب راتیں
ہوئے کیوں مقدر یہ کوئی نہ جانے
تھپک کہ سلانا ہر نئی آرزو کو
ہے دشوار کتنا یہ کوئی نہ جانے
کبھی یہ بھی پھولوں سے زیادہ تھا نازک
ہوا دل کیوں پتھر یہ کوئی نہ جانے
